Picture of Heather

Picture of Sarah

Last night, I organized and consolidated a couple of my cookbooks into one large tome. I use it so often nowadays, that I needed to make it easier to navigate. There are still some things I need to fine tune, but it occurred to me that one day my daughter, Lexi, may want this book. She told me this morning that right now, the only appreciation she has for cooking is eating what I prepare, yet I know one day, she will marry and want to prepare holiday meals and parties. My son, actually cooks as well. Perhaps it will be him that gets my book.

What is interesting about cooking, though, is that it isn’t something you can follow the directions specifically and make something magical. Yes, it will turn out in most cases, and yes, it may be edible, but it is the enhancements, the liberties that you take with the recipes, that create “your” dish. My family LOVES my baked macaroni and cheese. It is obligatory for me to prepare it for every holiday meal. The recipe is simple…noodles, cheese, milk, eggs, mustard powder, butter, and yet, if 15 people made the recipe, you would have 15 different flavors. It is that, that I wish to teach my children. I want them to understand and appreciate how they will never make “my” macaroni, because it won’t be me preparing it, but they can create their own dishes that their families will love.

Finally, today is the anniversary of my sister’s death, and I am sure that is the reason that my thoughts are centered around family and legacy. It is not as painful as it once was. I am able to celebrate her life in small ways, and hopefully raise her children to have a good life. They are wonderful kids, and I wish that she could see them and how much she lives through them. My sister loved butterflies, and so, to honor her live today, I am going to visit the Butterfly Estates  and have a private lunch there.

First poured

The next day after hardening

At this point, I am sitting in the kitchen typing this post. I am listening to my daughter getting dressed while dramatically chatting on her cell phone and Sarah is playing quietly in her room, though she does pop out every couple of moments to say hi or give me a hug or show me a picture she drew. It is amazing to me that all of those years that I worked, my mornings never seemed so out of control. What I am beginning to realize is that they were always out of control, but I tended to just tune out as I was preparing for work. This is a funny analogy, but it is kind of like hearing about a war in another country. You know it’s going on, you occasionally hear about casualties and hardships, but it doesn’t really touch your life. Then one day, you watch a documentary on the war, and suddenly, it comes into focus. You realize that lives are being destroyed and people are dying. You feel powerless in the face of such pain and loss. Maybe I went too far with comparing my family to a war, but the point is, I am paying attention now. I see how desperately my daughter needs my influence, and how Sarah needs my love, and how Jason needs my approval.

I started this post today to talk about the amusing things that go on in our house as we’re rushing to get the day started, but I realize that it isn’t always amusing. Our world is set up nowadays so we cannot give our children the full attention they need. I was fortunate enough to be able to take this time to spend with them (after 17 years). What about the millions of parents that do not have that time because they are working and trying to make ends meet. When did our society become one that we feed and shelter our kids, but have nothing else to offer because we are so damned tired? In the endless political theater about tax breaks and regulations, perhaps we could come up with a new vision for the American family. How about each family, regardless of whether it is one or two parents, is able to support themselves with just one paycheck, and can have liberal personal time to spend with their children. Perhaps we could not have to worry about keeping a miserable job because it offers minimal healthcare because we have to bring our kids to the doctors for well checks and vaccinations. Perhaps we don’t have to have such a fragmented society in which we live so far away from our parents to find good jobs that they cannot help raise their grandchildren. Maybe, our grandparents won’t have to work and can help raise the grandchildren because they were able to retire with a pension. Call me crazy, but maybe we should realize that our lives are actually at home with our families, and not out there with our work families.

OK, back to reality…Ashley is putting the finishing touches on her face, and Sarah is swinging on her swingset out back. As for me, I just finished unclogging a toilet, and now I have dishes to clean. Oh, how I miss working…it was so much easier than staying at home!

This blog is not to lament my “lost” career or life. On the contrary, I have found a new freedom and depth of living that was missing from my life. I was only 20 years old when I had my son, Bradley, and I was so busy trying to get through college and start a career, that Brad became like a baby partner for me. He went with me to classes, and rode with me when I worked. He was a quiet but active child, and an absolute delight. By the time Ashley came around, when I was 24, I was a Junior in college, working three jobs, and she was just one more addition to a very busy family life. I never had much time to focus on my children, because my life was so scheduled. I was shuttling them from daycare to school to sports to home then dinner then bed. I had little time to spend with my kids because I was trying to make it in the business world.

Jason and Sarah are my deceased sister’s two youngest children. Their father is fighting in Iraq. They have had a rough time so far, but being resilient children, they are doing well. They both have ADHD, and need lot’s of attention. I started by sliding them into my life in the same manner of my children, but quickly realized that was not going to work. I also needed to face the fact that I was essentially working to pay daycare. Being an outside sales exec, I need to place long hours networking and schmoozing to close a deal, and I don’t make money unless I can do that. Once the children came to live with me, late nights networking were out. I was running myself ragged, and everyone was suffering. Fortunately, I was able to restructure my life and become an at home mom.

I should have started writing about our adventures from the beginning! I have learned so much already! We have had to place security locks on all the doors to keep the kids from going outside unattended. We have had to install a chime in the kitchen because the late night raiders would sneak in the kitchen and steal any goodies they can get their hands on (one day we found a pancake & bottle of syrup in Jason’s bed). We have to keep their closet locked so they do not throw their dirty pull ups and clothes in their dressers. There are the frequent doc visits and counseling sessions and school conferences. I was never as busy working as I have become since staying at home! The thing is, I don’t miss it. We have found a new normal, and we all are getting accustomed to our new life.

I have discovered a renewed love of cooking. One of the first things I taught my children was how to fix their our breakfast. Our dinners were often in restaurants, or hastily prepared entree at home before baths and bed. Now, I have time to cook large meals with leftovers for the next day. I bake bread and cakes and cookies and stews (Today’s Dinner). I am no longer too intimidated to try fancy recipes. I am actually saving money on groceries because I do not buy pre-prepared meals, and we almost never eat out. Today, I am going to bake my third chocolate cake this week, with home-made cream cheese chocolate frosting, and my boyfriend wants me to make fudge. My mom was always the one who could make fudge, and I never tried. I’ll write about my success or failure with that tomorrow.

Jason and Ashley are already off at school. Sarah is watching PBS Sprout right now as I am writing this. BTW, I will mention that I LOVE PBS! I am so tired of cartoons that are inappropriate and not educational. PBS Sprout is awesome! Sarah loves to watch and learn in the mornings before she goes to VPK. It’s about time to get her dressed in her uniform and start planning our dinner. I also have laundry to get out of the dryer, and a dishwasher to unload and reload.

One last note for now. Today is my sister’s birthday, and what would have been her 35th birthday. She died in 2007, 4 days after her 31st birthday. Her son, Jason, was only 3 at the time, and Sarah was only about 6 months old. I struggle with how much to tell them about her. They really don’t have many memories of her, but I don’t want to eradicate her memory, either. I’m trying to find ways to respectfully honor her life and make them appreciate her, without making them feel a loss. I would appreciate any suggestions.

OK, I’m off to get Sarah ready for school! I’ll be back tomorrow!

As I am writing this, a few thoughts have occurred to me. I have a Facebook page, and several hundred friends from all times in my life. We all have extremely diverse beliefs, speak different languages, have different backgrounds, and in many cases, would not run in the same social circles. Yet, we can come together and discuss news stories, current events, daily happenings, and no one beats up on each other or bullies another into silence.

Another thought is that I have to give great thought to every article that I publish. I have to think about who may take it the wrong way, who may be offended, and will it start some type of backlash. I know that if someone reads something they do not like, with a few keystrokes, they can know where I work, who I am, and where I live. If that person does not like what I have to say, there is the potential that they may try to retaliate or harm me or my family.

I also dislike how we have used this access into one anothers lives to harm each other. I hate that we have glimpsed the pain in Gov Sanford’s marriage, though I dislike his policies, and I find him hypocritical. I hate that the personal sexual lives of our politicians, or people in general, have now become a litmus test for who they are as a person. Why do we care about what each of us are doing in our bedrooms? The mightiest of men (and women) can be brought to their knees by a single sexual indiscretion. We are not infallible. All people are subject to temptation in all forms. What if we found that Ghandi was secretly homosexual (I do not say that he was, nor wish to imply anything)? Would we say that he was not a great man? Would we discount all of his good deeds for that one fact? What if Mother Theresa was trading sexual favors in order to gain influence for her cause? Would we deny all of the wonderful deeds that she accomplished?

I believe that this interconnectedness of the world can be a wonderful thing. If you have access to people from all over the world, you can begin to understand the story of that person, and not simply lump them into a tight category: “evil-doer,” “communist,” “socialist,” “different.” Why don’t we try instead: Mother, Father, Son, Daughter, Husband, Wife, Lover, Human.

There are so many types of people that I would never want to socialize with. I find them difficult to converse with, and their ideas about things so different than mine that I avoid discussions with them. With that said, I would not them use that as a justification for doing them harm.

I have held many labels through my life. I have many names, many titles, many duties. I am these labels, and yet, they do not define me. And yet, they do. I am Daughter and Mother and Wife and Worker and American. I have parents that love me, I have procreated, I have chosen a mate to share my life, I work to feed my family, and I wasn born in the United States. Do these labels and actions solely define me – of course not! I am these things, but I am more. I exist and for what time I have in left in this corporeal body, I hope we as a society, can begin to see past our many predjudices to the soul that exists within our neighbors.

The thing is, I don’t have insurance. In my old job, I had health insurance. Every year, I would receive my 2-3% salary increase at the same time I received my 20% health insurance premium increase. My last position that offered health insurance was kind enough to cover up to 60% of my premiums, but I would have to cover 100% for my family. In other words, I would not get a paycheck. I kindly declined their “generous” benefit. Finally, I had enough. I decided to study herbal medicine, scour the internet for home remedies, and treat myself.

I get it – honestly, I really get it. Businesses can’t afford to cover the ever increasing insurance premiums along with the taxes and my salary. I get it. What I don’t get is the lame-ass argument that government backed health insurance or government run health care is somehow sub-standard. Maybe it is, but what I know is that I just incurred a $400 bill for a doctor to look at my abscess, tell me I had a slight fever, and give me a prescription for antibiotics.You see, I had already been draining my sore, applying heat to draw out the pus, using Neosporin to heal the sore, and using ice to help the swelling. I think the lesson I learned today was simply that I should continue to do what I was doing all along.

I do not wish to denegrate doctors. I suppose they too are captives in this ridiculous game that we all play here in America. You know, it’s the one that advocates a free market, while victimizing the weakest of its citizens. When I don’t have insurance, I don’t care about long waits, treatment denied, or whether or not my favorite doctor is able to help me. All I want is to make sure my foot isn’t going to rot off from some exotic bacteria.Thanks to our “free market” I got that today…for $400.